2005-09-10

John S. Hatch

W and the Good Book

I was wondering how to reconcile holy man Pat Robertson’s exhortation to assassination regarding Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez (murder being normally considered a bad thing) with the teachings of the Good Book, and those of Jesus. Did there not seem to be a contradiction here? Or was I missing something?

And while I was at it, another conundrum involving (if you can believe it) an even holier man, one to whom God speaks directly and often—how could George W. Bush square his profound belief in the Holy Book with his premeditated lies-based, illegal invasion of Iraq, ‘shock and awe’, the savage use of cluster-bombs, 500 pound bombs, napalm, depleted uranium, the razing of Fallujah, snipers shooting civilians and the wounded and ambulances, the blockading of hospitals, the detention and torture of innocents, including the rape of young boys (that the latter occurred is not in dispute; government lawyers argue that releasing the videotape evidence would only inflame the Muslim insurgents to ever more heinous acts of terrorism.) And then of course there’s Guantanamo and no shortage atrocities at home. Alleged atrocities.

Well hold on, I thought, don’t be too quick to condemn holy buddies Pat and W—God whispers to W (‘He told me to smite Saddam…’) who converses with Pat (‘Pattyboy’) all the time. And W seemed fine with the assassination thingy, or at least he didn’t condemn it. Anyway who talks to me? Hint—Jesus isn’t my personal savior, for crying out loud, and I’m not on a waiting list for a rapture plan.. Which leaves Dr. Phil, but it’s not really that exclusive a deal. He’s on channel 12. But already I had stumbled upon a clue. Smite. ‘God told me to smite Saddam, so I did.’ Who on earth uses language like that? You don’t hear it in bars that much, or say at a rodeo—‘Take that back, mother******, or I’m going to smite your ass…’ No, there’s only one place to find such quaint parlance—The Good Book.

Now the thing about the Good Book is, everyone swears by it (like when you’re on trial for an armed robbery of a Wal-Mart, for instance—‘I swear to tell the truth, I do, I do…’) but few people know what’s really in it, and they usually don’t really want to say that much. Oh we’re all a tiny bit familiar with some hearsay about what the New Testament contains: there’s this handsome white guy, Jesus (no pimples, good teeth, strong jaw, great hair) with either blue or brown eyes depending on who you talk to, who loves you and will get you a Hummer (my favorite) and eternal salvation if you just play your cards right. Oh yes, there were miracles (the wine one is the most inspiring if you ask me—imagine, well water transformed into Chateauneuf du Pape!), and he died for your sins. (Yours, not mine .I’m not in the 700 Club remember).You killed Jesus, you bastard. Might as well have driven a wooden stake right through his sacred heart (which reminds me—isn’t it odd that Catholicism would embrace as a sacrament a ritual involving the twin taboos of cannibalism and vampirism? You eat the body and drink the blood. Slightly sick?) You killed him, but lucky for you (or not!) he didn’t stay dead. We’ll call this Jesus who rose from the dead and disappeared (see? the vampire thing again!) Good Jesus. There’s another one, as we’ll see.

Pat Robertson once said (to paraphrase) that America’s foundation was becoming infested with termites (Muslims, get it? Isopterian Ragheads) and that a godly fumigation was due. Perhaps he was thinking of Cyclon B as a fumigant, or maybe the same stuff that America gave to Saddam to use against the Iranians and which they later used on the Kurds, an atrocity which America vehemently protested years later, when it became convenient. Most people had never heard of Kurds except:

Little Miss Muffet Sat on a Tuffet Eating her Kurds and whey; Along came a spider, And sat down beside her And frightened Miss Muffet away.

So now we know that Little miss Muffet, ambassador to Iraq in 1990 was a Catholic, and therefore a cannibal. The spider, of course is Saddam. When Miss Muffet ran away, the Butcher of Baghdad took it as a green light to invade Kuwait—boy, was that ever a mistake! Bible studies can be instructive, but we still haven’t offered an answer to the question: was Pat ‘Biblical’ in his assessment that Muslims needed to be mass murdered? Is George righteous in his Crude Crusade for Christ? Turns out to be a resounding yes on both counts.

Read these from the Good Book:

Leviticus 20:15-16 "And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast. And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." Very nice.

Matthew 26:26 "And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and brake it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins." Seconds, please.

Numbers 15:32-36 "Once, while the Israelites were still in the wilderness, a man was found gathering firewood on the Sabbath. He was taken to Moses, Aaron and the whole community, and was put under guard, because it was not clear what should be done with him. Then the Lord said to Moses, "The man must be put to death; the whole community is to stone him to death outside the camp." So the whole community took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the Lord had commanded." What about ‘Let he who is without sin…?’ The lord can be a real prick. This is ‘Bad Jesus’ A real badass Redeemer. Watch out!

Genesis 22:9-10 "And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood. And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." What kind of screwed up God would play a trick like that?

2Kings 6:28,29 "And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son." Very civilized.

Exodus 4:22-23 "Then you must tell him that I, the Lord, say, ' Israel is my first born son. I told you to let my son go, so that he might worship me, but you refused. Now I am going to kill your first-born son.'" So there!

1Samuel 15:1-8 "Now listen to what the Lord Almighty says. He is going to punish the people of Amalek because their ancestors opposed the Israelites... 3-8 : With 210000 soldiers they killed all the men, women, children, babies, cattle, camels and donkeys." Is that all?

Hosea 13:16 " Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up."

Exodus 32:27-28 "[Moses' orders to his army] he said to them, "The Lord God of Israel commands every one of you to put on his sword and go through the camp from this gate to the other and kill his brothers, his friends and his neighbours. The Levites obeyed and killed about 3000 Men that day." Deuteronomy 7:1 "When Yahweh your god has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate them. You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy."

Judges 20:42-48 "... and them which came out of the cities they destroyed in the midst of them. ... And there fell of Benjamin eighteen thousand of the best Benjamine soldiers; ... and they gleaned of them in the highways five thousand men; ... and slew two thousand men of them. So that all which fell that day of Benjamin were twenty and five thousand men that drew the sword; ... And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to." Smote them. Just like George.

1Samuel 6:19 "The Lord killed seventy of the men of Beth Shemesh because they looked inside the Covenant Box." What the hell is a Covenant Box? No, I don’t want to know…

Hosea 13:16 " Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." Don’t you just adore Him?

Revelation 6:8 (the 4th seal) "I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! It's rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.”

Exodus 21:20-21 "If a man strikes his male or female slave with a rod and he dies at his hand, he shall be punished. If, however, he survives a day or two, no vengeance shall be taken. The loss of his property is punishment enough." So that’s where you got it from.

Deuteronomy 20:14 "But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself."

Joshua 6:21: “The army advanced on the city—they destroyed everything—they put everyone to the sword. Men and women, young and old, and also cattle, sheep and asses.”

And on and on. Nobody reads that crap, but an entire ‘civilization’ is built upon it. The Jesus of Bush and Robertson is Mean Jesus, Crazy Jesus, Psychotic Jesus, a Jesus who has no problem with slavery, rape, torture and murder, and whose incipient return is to bring revenge and violence to people who disagree with him and Bush and Robertson, and of course Jews who don’t immediately convert to Christianity. Muslims, presumably, are screwed. And His Father is a murderous asshole.

So here’s a Bush-league Christianity that is entirely consistent with assassination, murder, child-rape, incarceration without trial, and the use of otherwise unconscionable weapons such as napalm, cluster bombs and depleted uranium. No mercy. No forgiveness. The president is Biblical after all. It’s just a Bible that should be read with gloves on as Nietzsche suggested, to avoid contamination. Everyone should read the Good Book. Just once, then have a shower. And then burn it. ------------------------------------------------------------